Dear Rene,
It's been a while since I've written to you. I'm sorry for that. I've been taking a long break from self-pity and been really working on making myself happy. I've succeeded in some areas and stumbled in others. I've gotten over the major parts of my loneliness..Im not jealous anymore of Tony and Bryant. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I've been going to the gym on a regular bases, I've been keeping up with my hobbie of gaming more. I've been learning to enjoy my alone time more and not look at it as a self-hating pity party. Well, I'm better then I was when those feelings emerge.
Strangest thing happened though. An old acquaintance popped up on facebook a few weeks ago. A kid named David Suaez.
Long story short, He wants to be my boyfriend. He's a sweet 30 year old guy from Ecuador, Lives in Ansonia, CT and works in Bridgeport with special needs kids. He's sweet and HIV+. I'm physically attracted to him, but at this point I'm physically attracted to anyone that's in close proximity to myself. But other then that, He's not a bear or even a cub. Not a gamer, Not a geek, Thick accent which sometimes is hard for me to decypher..plus entertaining the idea of dating him or anyone goes again my personal vows I made to stay single.
The desire is still there for companionship despite me now learning and enjoying my personal moments of solitude. He offers me that..and I'm almost tempted to take it despite my fears.
I chose to remain single because I didn't want to deal with the responsibility of caring for someone else, putting there needs before mine, having to worry or help make decisions on someone else happiness. I over-think and over-worry about the other person more then myself and it causes me to feel emotionally and mentally stressed. I see what Tony and Bryant go through and I don't want to deal with that ever again. So Id rather be single then deal with all that.
I got fucked a few months ago and that helped me realized that I can still have sex without the attachments. I can still have those cuddle moments without having to worry about taking care of there needs way after the deeds been done.
No pain...No guilt, no caring...sounds like freedom doesn't it. So I let this kid down gently, telling him I'm not the type he's looking for. I don't want kids, my work is everything right now..he still wants to get involved with me. So, I'm playing it cool. I message him as a friend to be nice.waitting for him to wise up. I still do play with the idea and maybe love might happen despite him not meeting any of my requirements or real needs.
I had a dream about my coworker, Joey DeVito the other night. It was intense, and it made me feel some powerful emotions. And none of them where of a pure sexual arousal. Like, I didn't wake up hard and horny...my heart was moved. Like if Joey, came up to me and asked me to kiss him, Id do it without hesitation hell, even if his wife and kid where near by.
but a guy like Joey, is what i'm physically, mentally, and emotionally attracted to.
this kid, I'm more attracted to the fact that he's into me. it felt so nice to have someone say that wanted me. I haven't felt that way since when I first met Alvin. But, I really don't think he's the one to get break my vows for.
All our conversations have been surface questions answered and a little more about his family and history. At first I kept telling myself that this could be good having a non-gaming boyfriend. being with someone who isn't as well verse in geek and gaming culture. Since with my other gaming friends I feel like the old man then anything else. And as stupid as this sounds, would he get along with my friends. I can see him being more a friend for Jerry Davis then any of my friends. But I don't even hang out with a lot of my friends..
I'm kind of hoping he'll loose interest as time goes by. we tried to set up another date and those plans fell through again on the count of his car being messed up again. Im taking that as a sign that this isn't going anywhere I feel comfortable with.
yeah, I'll admit I'm lonely sometimes and it would be night to have someone I can have my own side conversations with while gaming..but I honestly believe that I won't find the mid to late 30 year old white, bearish , top, gamer, geek, that I keep dreaming of finding.
so, I have to continue on self improving and be the guy I want to be with!
