Dear Rene,
I had a tough time yesterday. Tony uploaded a few new photo's to social media; it was a photo of him and Bryant. It was a picture of Tony kissing Bryant on the cheek and Bryant having a big smile on his face. The next photo was a picture of both of them smiling together in the background was a forest setting. It was too much for me to bare. I got sad, very depressed and angry. I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I tried working out last night , but it didn't help. Even now while I'm here at work the next day..i still feel this cloak of feeling lost and sad over me.
I can't get over it, I just can't shake it.
Right now, I'm doing my best to work through it. But again I feel as if I have very few options to turn to. I've expressed how I've felt to Mike and I think Paul ( the Humming bird guy from pennsylvania) that's it. The only two people out of who I know wont judge me. Wont Pity me or call me a fool or just tell me to get over it. I know you wont judge me.
I just don't know how to let go; to feel better again. I can find my own happiness, I know that. I just don't believe it. Here's the funny part, Chris Rivera contacted me. He wants to meet up and said we should finally get together, whatever that means. He said he's been busy all summer juggling 2 jobs which I understand that..But given his history, hes done this before. Get close with someone, then breaks away, then draws you in again. From my understanding, he did that with Victor and he done that with me I think. We started talking a lot then he disappeared.
I'm not holding my breath, will see what happen
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Dear Rene, I confess my current state.
Dear Rene,
I have to confess my current state to you.
I hate myself for what I've become. I'm unhealthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I'm tiered of it.
I've been working a lot of double shifts in hopes to gain some extra cash to sustain myself and start paying off my debt to Bob. I'm angry at myself for letting myself go. I've come to a realization tonight and I posted it on Facebook.
"One thing I've learned tonight, I can't focus so much on my future; when I have present challenges in front of me now. I must strive to take care of whats in my face now, so that I can breath a little easier when finally being able to focus on my future"
. -Me
I spent most of my night reflecting on what I should do for my career, then i remembered today while working on the kids unit, I participated in a group where we had to draw two emoji's. One showing our current mood and the other showing what type of mood we'd like to achieve. My first emoji was one of being in pain. it was a face with a cranky looking mouth and it's eyes closed shut with clouds over head and lightning coming from all sides of them. it was to show my pain, my inner despair, and how I wish it would all just go away. I lied and said it was just disgust.
The next emoji was a face with eyes closed again, but it had a smile and clouds with sunshine coming through. I wrote down that this was inner peace. That is what I've long for. inner peace and self love. I had to stop myself from crying.
it felt good to express myself, I don't do it enough. Later in the evening we did another group, it was a movement group and I felt old. I felt so old, I moved like an old man, But afterwards I felt good, like I finally had some blood pumping though my body. Then at the end of my night, I was standing in the doorway of a bathroom watching a patient on constant observation. While he was showering, I was looking at my self and all i can see is my body..half of a image and I could see my chest hanging down. sagging through my shirt. it's the same image I see when i'm alone in my apartment. skinny arms and legs and a wide ugly middle.
I've been accepting my mothers fate for a long time, thinking that I was going to die sooner then later, that I was going to be alone so why fight it. Accept my fate and move on. I still feel that way, but I'm going to change how I approach my end. I'm going to fight. I stopped reading because it made me tiered, truth be told, I got lazy, i'm continuing to be lazy. I'm so afraid to try because of failing but who am I afraid of disappointing? I live alone.
I'm so afraid of trying because of myself being disappointed and discourage. convincing myself that I don't deserve the same joys as anyone else because I failed in some way. So what if I failed some task, I shouldn't just stand around and surrender to death. I may not be able to start my long term goals but god damn it I could make some changes.
I could find the energy, start to discipline myself; turn this inner hatred into something combustible and get me moving. Focusing my mind on something then just waiting for life to find me.
I will start today Rene, and I will need your help.
All I need from you is to know that you'll be there to support me, to help guide me and to push me to get up, to do what needs to be done, to remind me of what I need to do to help myself. I know i'm asking the world of you, but i think, your the only one i could trust to help me.
let me know,
with all my heart,
David
I have to confess my current state to you.
I hate myself for what I've become. I'm unhealthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I'm tiered of it.
I've been working a lot of double shifts in hopes to gain some extra cash to sustain myself and start paying off my debt to Bob. I'm angry at myself for letting myself go. I've come to a realization tonight and I posted it on Facebook.
"One thing I've learned tonight, I can't focus so much on my future; when I have present challenges in front of me now. I must strive to take care of whats in my face now, so that I can breath a little easier when finally being able to focus on my future"
. -Me
I spent most of my night reflecting on what I should do for my career, then i remembered today while working on the kids unit, I participated in a group where we had to draw two emoji's. One showing our current mood and the other showing what type of mood we'd like to achieve. My first emoji was one of being in pain. it was a face with a cranky looking mouth and it's eyes closed shut with clouds over head and lightning coming from all sides of them. it was to show my pain, my inner despair, and how I wish it would all just go away. I lied and said it was just disgust.
The next emoji was a face with eyes closed again, but it had a smile and clouds with sunshine coming through. I wrote down that this was inner peace. That is what I've long for. inner peace and self love. I had to stop myself from crying.
it felt good to express myself, I don't do it enough. Later in the evening we did another group, it was a movement group and I felt old. I felt so old, I moved like an old man, But afterwards I felt good, like I finally had some blood pumping though my body. Then at the end of my night, I was standing in the doorway of a bathroom watching a patient on constant observation. While he was showering, I was looking at my self and all i can see is my body..half of a image and I could see my chest hanging down. sagging through my shirt. it's the same image I see when i'm alone in my apartment. skinny arms and legs and a wide ugly middle.
I've been accepting my mothers fate for a long time, thinking that I was going to die sooner then later, that I was going to be alone so why fight it. Accept my fate and move on. I still feel that way, but I'm going to change how I approach my end. I'm going to fight. I stopped reading because it made me tiered, truth be told, I got lazy, i'm continuing to be lazy. I'm so afraid to try because of failing but who am I afraid of disappointing? I live alone.
I'm so afraid of trying because of myself being disappointed and discourage. convincing myself that I don't deserve the same joys as anyone else because I failed in some way. So what if I failed some task, I shouldn't just stand around and surrender to death. I may not be able to start my long term goals but god damn it I could make some changes.
I could find the energy, start to discipline myself; turn this inner hatred into something combustible and get me moving. Focusing my mind on something then just waiting for life to find me.
I will start today Rene, and I will need your help.
All I need from you is to know that you'll be there to support me, to help guide me and to push me to get up, to do what needs to be done, to remind me of what I need to do to help myself. I know i'm asking the world of you, but i think, your the only one i could trust to help me.
let me know,
with all my heart,
David
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