Alvin's response!!

Hey, baby.
Sorry for the super-late reply. I've been dealing with a lot of crap lately, and it's been hard to have a quiet moment to collect my thoughts. But now I've got the chance, so I'm taking it.
First off, let me just say thank you for your honesty. I've always known you to have difficulty with revealing your true thoughts, especially when you know your honest opinion would hurt the other person's feelings. Especially when it comes to me, I think.
But I'm glad you told me finally that you've spent years resenting me for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. And I'll be honest with you in turn. You and I both know that I was always careful to maintain the boundaries between us. That I loved you as a friend, and I was happy to have a friends with benefits thing with you, but that it would never be more than that. Like Michael Novotny and Brian Kinney, there was always a line we were never to cross. Believe me, I wish things could have been different between us. I think certain things in our lives might have been easier had we gotten together as a couple. But I just never felt that “spark” or that chemistry for you that would have elevated you to boyfriend status in my eyes. Before you beat yourself up and hate yourself even more, know that that's something that always had more to do with me, than something that was a reflection on you. And to pretend that I had it, or to get together with you and hope that it would develop as time went on, would have been a lie that in the end would have destroyed us both. I'm glad I never took that route. Looking back, I'm starting to think maybe I should have been the one to disappear or fade away from your life. I think it would have been easier for you to heal and move on.
That's not to say you didn't move on. You certainly did, but I know it wasn't easy for you. And I'm glad you realize it was your unrealistic hopes and expectations that caused you emotional pain time and time again. That it was always your wanting more than was offered that caused you to suffer over and over.
And that brings me to something about you that has always angered me: how dismissive you are of the good things you have in your life, the people that are in it, and the love that they offer you.
It always bothered me that even though I love you dearly and I would gladly die to protect you, it was never enough for you. You always yearned and pined for that idealistic romantic love you pictured in your head. Or how Wayne loved you as a friend, but you just had to want more than he could offer you. But it wasn't just your habit of wanting more than you could have. It was how little you valued what you did have. Bob and Jerry have been your friends for many years, but I was shocked at how quickly you were willing to throw their friendships away. Or how, being a psychology major, you never looked at them with empathy and understanding that they too, are flawed and damaged individuals in need of love and care, and sometimes just a sympathetic ear or a good night out on the town. Even when you were with Tony, do you remember that you weren't truly happy? Your insecurities saw to that. But what hurt me most was how you saw yourself. You saw yourself as ugly, stupid, worthless. One time, after the breakup with Tony, you even had the audacity to ask me, “Who was I before he came in to the picture?” As if you were some empty shell before the 3 years you were together! You never saw the beautiful, caring soul inside yourself who overcame his mental and physical handicaps to get a driver's license, graduate college, get his psych tech certifications, get his own apartment, adopt 2 cat-babies, and gave so much good advice to all his friends whenever they were in need? Everyone who knows you, loves you. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love that you wanted, but it is still love, just the same. We both know that you've faced a lot of rejections from people, especially when it came to hookups. But I think you're finally realizing that there's a lot more to you than just your sexuality. And there's a lot more to life than just whether you're in a relationship or not.
I think it's kind of funny that you think I make not wanting to be in a relationship or have sex with people look so easy. It took a lot of pain and heartache for me to get there. Even though my relationship with Oakie was the best I've ever been in, it was also in some ways, the worst. You know that at times, Oakie wasn't an easy person for me to be with. You were present for some of our fights and blow-ups. Like you, I used to attach a lot of importance to sex. For me, I never felt attractive unless someone was sexually attracted to me. For my boyfriend, of all people, to not be attracted to me, was a devastating blow to my sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Though I knew he loved me emotionally, Oakie made me feel ugly and undesirable in many ways. We opened up our relationship, but that was me bending over backwards to keep him happy. It was never what I really wanted. So yeah, us being together was really very emotionally draining to me. That's why today I have the attitude that I don't want to be in a relationship because I don't want to consider anyone's needs other than my own.
Despite all that, I can look back on our time together and smile, because we made eight years of good times and happy memories together. Oakie is a better person for having had me in his life. When I found him, he was a chain-smoking unhealthy addict with a high-school diploma and a therapist on speed-dial. Now, he's a college-educated and healthy person who followed his dream and moved to Mexico and is in a good enough place in his mind and life that doesn't need to see a therapist. I can take some credit for some of that. And that's the thing about our relationship. Through it all, I was his biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. Did he do the same for me? No. And I've realized, I have to learn to be my own biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. I have to push myself to achieve and reach for my dreams. No one else can do it for me. I have to figure out what makes me happy and what I want out of life. I haven't even started and that needs to change. So I don't have room in my life for another person. Not now, and maybe not ever. And that's okay.
As for sex, well, I'm going to admit something to you. I'm extremely sick. I have severe health problems like type 2 diabetes, and high blood pressure. It's mainly due to my lack of care for myself and something I really have to work on in myself. So going with little/no sex is very easy for me to do.
In your letter, you asked me what you really added to my life. And my answer: so very much. More than I can say. You are the only person in my life that I can ever say has always been there for me when I needed someone. If it weren't for you, I'd have probably ended up dead in a ditch somewhere when I moved out of my parents' place. Because of you, I learned so much about gay life, and gay slang and terminology. To me, you were the shining example of a gay man willing to live his life out and proud. Knowing you is what finally made me realize that I was fully homosexual and gave me the courage to come out in my own life. You were always there to give me advice when I needed it, or comfort me when I was sad, or nurse me back to health when I saw sick (even if it was just to give me a tylenol). I made friends through you that I wouldn't have otherwise because my introvert hermit ass didn't know how to. We've shared so many good times together and made so many warm and happy memories that I will cherish forever. You've been such a huge and important part of my life that I honestly couldn't imagine it without you. And I don't want to.
You don't really have to respond to this letter. And most of the stuff I've posed to you, you already answered in your previous letter. I just wanted to you to know my thoughts when it comes to you.
I know you have a long road of therapy and self-work ahead of you to overcome your demons, but I have faith in you. And even though you'll probably isolate yourself for the entire time, I would wait for you forever, if necessary. I will never give up on you, and I will love you for as long as I live and beyond.
--Alvin

Virus-free. www.avast.com

making progress

Dear Rene,

I'm making progress I feel.

It's only Day 2, but I feel different. Like I feeling a bit more at peace with myself. I've just got one more day left of work then I'm home free for 4 days. Going to the gym with Bryant seems like a good idea so far. so, let me give you an update.
The three letters I wrote to Bob, Jerry, and Alvin I sent out and got responses from Bob and Jerry. Jerry, just wanted to understand, Bob wanted me to acknowledge that I was a user, and Alvin, I'm still waiting on a response. I'l be honest, If I get a response at all from him. He's busy with issues of his own it seems. But, the Bridges are slowly being repaired. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at any of them in the eyes after the way I acted.
A part of me, was hoping they'd drop me. All I know is that, if and when the time comes; when I see bob again, he's going to Bring this whole situation up as a way of him gaining some clarity and bringing it to a close on his end.
Perhaps I choose the wrong time to quit smoking. 
I still don't know what to do with Ish...
He's a temptation, now more then ever that him and his boyfriend broke up. Everything about this kids screams "Danger...Stay Away" And a Big Part of me agrees, But the fact that I feel that I can be relaxed around him and express how I feel about things truthfully, and have him understand, totally keeps me wanting to continue talking to him.
I'm asking for trouble, which is why I'm reminding myself of my vow and keeping my physical distance as best as possible.
I'm happy to say my feelings are burred for whatever I felt for Tony. I'm glad. I'm sorry to see them go, but I'm glad I can be around him and Bryant and not feel pain anymore. I feel detached from them and it's a good feeling. I care for both of them..but I'm glad my feelings of loss and loneliness is finally subsiding.
My Co-work, Cynthia says, I shouldn't give up on finding someone. I don't have to have a boyfriend, but I shouldn't give up on human relationships.  I'm not, I'm just being more selective of the people I choose to spend more time with. Like this Friday, I was going to treat Ish to lunch and let him tell me all about the shit show which was his recent break up with his boyfriend. But, Tabitha called while I was working and we made plans for lunch on Friday instead. Can't pass up a free lunch, plus being around Tabitha is a good thing. She brings Peace into my life. Everyone is pretty much working this weekend so I'll be left to my own devices.
I am going to go to the Movies, that much I'm sure about. I want to go see that new Shark movie. I've had some good moments over the summer. Going to the movies has been one of them.
Shit...that's one thing that I can say makes me happy. Going to the Movies, by myself, enjoying those recliner seats..feeling that the theater is all my own. Being at peace. The loneliness fades as soon as the lights go down.

ok, I need sleep. thanks for listening as always Rene, I love you so much..

David. 

why Im afraid of being happy.

looking back within my past few years, The moments where I've been truly happy..there's always been a great pain to follow. The men i've fallen in love with, never seeing me as I sought them, me being free and attempting to live on my own for the first time, then my mother taken ill, then me living on my own in my mothers house nearly a year and feeling like it's a tomb, Me finding comfort in the arms of men who said, I was desirable and made me feel sexy, and then finding out I was HIV positive. Then as i was ready to give up, I finally finding Love, finally being with someone whom I felt made me worthy of being loved, and him falling out of love with me.. but soon seeing how fast he found love again; while I still wondered what happened. that made me want to take my own life.

Every moment of joy was shaken away from me but disappointment and loss..made me believe and I still do that being alone is safer..jesus..I just realized that I've lost faith

My letter to Alvin

Dear Imzadi...

I know you think of me as a silly man for still associating you with that title.. To be honest.. Since you where the only one that knew its meaning.. I felt you gave that name power and therefore it was important to me.
My counselor suggested i write letters to the people whom ive wronged. I already sent letters to bob and Jerry.. You where the last because I wanted to take my time and choose my words wisely.
I wanted to start off by saying thank you for everything. Your patience, your generosity, and in parts your love, even though i was a fool with it. My c I counselor said in my letters i have to admit a painful truth. To jerry, i admitted and ask the question, why are we friends?, with bob, i admitted to taking advantage of our friendship, to you.. I resented you. I resented tor years that you never picked me. And then when you decided to walk the path of a man no longer tied to the desire for sex and relationships.. You made it look so easy.. Even though now i realize how stupid and  childish i was. Whenever you responded with "poor baby..." it always struck a cord with me. With my mental state as is was.. It felt like you where pitting me, like i was some idiotic loaf to be pat on the head.
I know im being rediculous. I'll admit it. I turned away from you because i still held a glimore of hope that you would rescue me from my pain. It wasn't your job and I was foolish to dream. Your position Changing this summer helpped.. Since i couldn't crash at your house anymore.. I've had to become more self sufficient. It also helpped me come to terms with some inner demons. I've come to realize that im afraid to be happy. That if i allow myself any pure joy, disaster and disappointment will be the end result. So i gave myself over to the pain.. Its what i was use to most of my life. Bob said i was a victim and always acting like one.. I'll admit it.. I was. The hard part moving forward is i don't know if ill ever believe you three will ever see me as anything else which is why i thought the best thing for me to do is fade away from your lives. Over the past 3 years or so have i really added anything good into your life? Im not looking for pity or poor babys... Id like a striaght answer. You know who i am.. Or at least who i use to be..
I've been thinking for the longest time about what amd whom makes me happy.. I can't think of a single person or thing.. I just feel that all i am is an arkward piece in your puzzle and that im better off being away from you all. Even tony and my mates.. I've grown a bit this summer and a few days ago, i had a mental setback but im better. A part of me wants to see you for your birthday.. But a bigger part of me isn't strong enough yet to be around jerry or bob.. I just don't know if i ever will.. Jerry for the lack of chemistry we have and bob painting me as a something wrong.
I just wanted to thank you for the good memories and that im sorry if ive been a dick to you.

Thank you.. Alvin Scully

Imzadi..

David Pierre-Louis

My letter to Jerry

Hello Jerry, im writing you this letter because im not good at speaking. The reason for my absence was i was and still am working on myself mentally. A few months ago, bob caught me at a vulnerable moment and I lashed out at him. It left me emotionally crippled and I considered taking my life. I haven't been the same since that night. I felt he wasn't understanding my feelings and the fault was mine.. I wasnt hearing what he was saying. But maybe we where both at fault..

Well my letter is to address you and i, my apologies. Im sorry Jerry. I was envious of you and Luis. Seeing you both together, as happy as I was for you two and the challenges you've both where overcoming to building your future.. It made me view myself as a failure. I know I'm not a failure... Now.. But at the time i felt lost and repulsive of who i was. After my emotional breakdown, i spent and am spending a great deal of time self reflecting.. Along with the help of a counselor ive been making great breakthroughs. I've choosen to be single for the rest of my life.. And at first it was a self-imposed exile for my failures.. But now.. I see it as a blessing.  It's giving me time to realize my big problem.. Im afraid of being happy.
Im working on figuring it out.. But the reason im sending you this letter.

Im just wondering, beside Banana Republic all those years ago.. Why are you friends with me? Im not looking for pity or any simple just because.. I want to know why are we friends. From my point of view, you've been a far better and patient friend then i.. But think about it.. What do we have in common.. And other then venting about people who get on our nerves... What else do we have in common?

Im. Not saying i regret meeting you and there are past memories that do make me smile and weep for the simpler days when you and i where closer.. But why are we? I truly cant think of anything.. I've spent these past few months on my own and not associating with anyone trying to figure out what makes me the person i am. I have a feeling you, bob, and Alvin think ive cut you off for others.. At least im guessing thats what bob may believe.. I speak the truth that i haven't.. I don't trust anyone anymore. First time I've admit it. I use to believe that after my suicide attempt you three looked at me aa somw broken thing. I was broken. I was angry, shameful, and broken.. Bob reminded me with every conversation of my debt to him, me struggling to be on my own, you telling me if i dont pay you back immediately id be facing legal action, how fall I've fallen and how much of a broken man i was. Then when my mother died and that last minute expanse.. I felt beyond shattered.

Did i ever thank you for helping me.. If i haven't.. Accept my deepest apologies and thank you.. Many times thank you. Im just not the same person anymore. When you met me.. I was naive and didn't know my ass from my elbow. I don't know what's going to happen moving forward.. You wantend to understand.. Im hoping this helped.

My letter to bob

Dear Bob,  im sending you this message because right now;im not very good at speaking. I wish to say that i am sorry. You feel that ive treated you terribly and according to Alvin, I've hurt you terribly. I am truly sorry. You have been a long time friend to me, whom helpped me out on numerous situations and if I've come off as ungrateful; I'm truly sorry. I know your trying to be a friend to me , and you've sacrificed alot to help me. I thank you bob. I thank you for your kindness and your lasting paitents with me. Reminded me the other morning about not missing payments with you and i reacted horribly. You reminded me of my past faults and it upset me. So i lashed out. A few months ago, you spoke to me about people taking advantage of you and how you believe i am one of them. I was, i took advantage of our friendship in the matter of you giving me time to pay you back in installment. Then my living situation Changed drastically and i had to take what money i was getting and put towards that. Please believe me, if you have any faith in my words that i am going to return the money i owe you. When you get a free chance.. I would like you to send me a text message with the total amount that i owe you up to this point. So i may start keeping track of it as well.
Bob, im going to be very open with you. I think i know what your response will be, because your response never really changes form all the years we've known each other. when we speak, i constantly feel that your not understanding. You listen, but you don't understand i how feel. Im not trying to upset you in anyway and im not blaming you or anyone. But i feel you lack the ability to understand when someone tells or expreses how they feel. You've grown over the years and you've become better aware of your choice of words and actions, but you still tend to turn a conversation or a problem of someone elses onto yourself. When last we spoke and i was expressing my discomfort of the subject.. Granted now i can't even remember now what the subject was.. You showed no empathy and continued to express how horribly you've been treated by those whom you've tried to help. It felt one sided. I couldn't take it cause i felt i couldn't get a word in and i almost crashed.. So i exploded. And that emotional outburst.. Caused me to fall into a great depression. Its not your fault.. Im not blaming you at all.. I just wasn't strong at that moment. I considered taking my life again. I convinced myself that i was not worth thw aggravation i was putting not just you but alvin amd jerry through. I decided at that moment to cut off communication with you three. Because i believed other then the fact that i owe you a great deal of money, i did nothing to enrich your lives. Ive spent the past two months working on myself.  And i tell you this in truth. Just because I cut my self off from you three doesn't mean i choose another group of people to bond with. I've closed myself off from Tony and the rest of the roomates aswell. I truly needed and still do, to be alone and truly focus on myself. You wished that the old David would come back, i felt insulted by that request because from my perspective, the old David was a retarted hopeless fantasier. He wanted someone to love and take care of him and please all whom he met. After getting disappointed.. I realized that i needed to grow up. But i couldn't do it while listening to you repeat yourself about the same problems you where facing or for you to constantly give me a warning statement that .. "not to go into therapy" or "if this is upsetting you will change the topic" or "not to bring up tony" or "not to bring up this or that"  or Jerry giving me tips after tips on things i had no plans on doing.. Or listening to him tell me more about his at the time boyfriend while i was still working on getting over mine. And Alvin's pitty.
Im not angry or bitter so please don't think my tone is in anger or malice. I needed and still need to figure myself out. Why as i discovered today, while im afraid of being happy. Im actually terrified of being happy. I need to figure out the answer and even more frightening.. Face and embrace the ways to change that. You tried sharing some advice with me a while ago.. I erased it.. Not even reading it because at the time.. Seeing your name brought on such aniexity i couldn't function the rest of the day. As you can see from my texting you with brief messages every Friday.. I've gotten better..
I know your angry with me and you have every right to be. You deserve better.. All three of you do. Ill never be the person I was.. For right now i can't be around any of you because of the raw emotions im still dealing with. I have a counselor at my job im working with to get better. If ever the times comes that we may meet face to face.. Perhap just focusing on the moment and not the past would be best. I plan on writing apologiy letters to jerry and alvin as well.. But i know you had to be the first.

Thank you, Robert Evens for putting up with me for all these years. Please give me a current total of how much i owe you.