Hey, baby.
Sorry for the super-late reply. I've been dealing with a lot of crap lately, and it's been hard to have a quiet moment to collect my thoughts. But now I've got the chance, so I'm taking it.
First off, let me just say thank you for your honesty. I've always known you to have difficulty with revealing your true thoughts, especially when you know your honest opinion would hurt the other person's feelings. Especially when it comes to me, I think.
But I'm glad you told me finally that you've spent years resenting me for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. And I'll be honest with you in turn. You and I both know that I was always careful to maintain the boundaries between us. That I loved you as a friend, and I was happy to have a friends with benefits thing with you, but that it would never be more than that. Like Michael Novotny and Brian Kinney, there was always a line we were never to cross. Believe me, I wish things could have been different between us. I think certain things in our lives might have been easier had we gotten together as a couple. But I just never felt that “spark” or that chemistry for you that would have elevated you to boyfriend status in my eyes. Before you beat yourself up and hate yourself even more, know that that's something that always had more to do with me, than something that was a reflection on you. And to pretend that I had it, or to get together with you and hope that it would develop as time went on, would have been a lie that in the end would have destroyed us both. I'm glad I never took that route. Looking back, I'm starting to think maybe I should have been the one to disappear or fade away from your life. I think it would have been easier for you to heal and move on.
That's not to say you didn't move on. You certainly did, but I know it wasn't easy for you. And I'm glad you realize it was your unrealistic hopes and expectations that caused you emotional pain time and time again. That it was always your wanting more than was offered that caused you to suffer over and over.
And that brings me to something about you that has always angered me: how dismissive you are of the good things you have in your life, the people that are in it, and the love that they offer you.
It always bothered me that even though I love you dearly and I would gladly die to protect you, it was never enough for you. You always yearned and pined for that idealistic romantic love you pictured in your head. Or how Wayne loved you as a friend, but you just had to want more than he could offer you. But it wasn't just your habit of wanting more than you could have. It was how little you valued what you did have. Bob and Jerry have been your friends for many years, but I was shocked at how quickly you were willing to throw their friendships away. Or how, being a psychology major, you never looked at them with empathy and understanding that they too, are flawed and damaged individuals in need of love and care, and sometimes just a sympathetic ear or a good night out on the town. Even when you were with Tony, do you remember that you weren't truly happy? Your insecurities saw to that. But what hurt me most was how you saw yourself. You saw yourself as ugly, stupid, worthless. One time, after the breakup with Tony, you even had the audacity to ask me, “Who was I before he came in to the picture?” As if you were some empty shell before the 3 years you were together! You never saw the beautiful, caring soul inside yourself who overcame his mental and physical handicaps to get a driver's license, graduate college, get his psych tech certifications, get his own apartment, adopt 2 cat-babies, and gave so much good advice to all his friends whenever they were in need? Everyone who knows you, loves you. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love that you wanted, but it is still love, just the same. We both know that you've faced a lot of rejections from people, especially when it came to hookups. But I think you're finally realizing that there's a lot more to you than just your sexuality. And there's a lot more to life than just whether you're in a relationship or not.
I think it's kind of funny that you think I make not wanting to be in a relationship or have sex with people look so easy. It took a lot of pain and heartache for me to get there. Even though my relationship with Oakie was the best I've ever been in, it was also in some ways, the worst. You know that at times, Oakie wasn't an easy person for me to be with. You were present for some of our fights and blow-ups. Like you, I used to attach a lot of importance to sex. For me, I never felt attractive unless someone was sexually attracted to me. For my boyfriend, of all people, to not be attracted to me, was a devastating blow to my sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Though I knew he loved me emotionally, Oakie made me feel ugly and undesirable in many ways. We opened up our relationship, but that was me bending over backwards to keep him happy. It was never what I really wanted. So yeah, us being together was really very emotionally draining to me. That's why today I have the attitude that I don't want to be in a relationship because I don't want to consider anyone's needs other than my own.
Despite all that, I can look back on our time together and smile, because we made eight years of good times and happy memories together. Oakie is a better person for having had me in his life. When I found him, he was a chain-smoking unhealthy addict with a high-school diploma and a therapist on speed-dial. Now, he's a college-educated and healthy person who followed his dream and moved to Mexico and is in a good enough place in his mind and life that doesn't need to see a therapist. I can take some credit for some of that. And that's the thing about our relationship. Through it all, I was his biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. Did he do the same for me? No. And I've realized, I have to learn to be my own biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. I have to push myself to achieve and reach for my dreams. No one else can do it for me. I have to figure out what makes me happy and what I want out of life. I haven't even started and that needs to change. So I don't have room in my life for another person. Not now, and maybe not ever. And that's okay.
As for sex, well, I'm going to admit something to you. I'm extremely sick. I have severe health problems like type 2 diabetes, and high blood pressure. It's mainly due to my lack of care for myself and something I really have to work on in myself. So going with little/no sex is very easy for me to do.
In your letter, you asked me what you really added to my life. And my answer: so very much. More than I can say. You are the only person in my life that I can ever say has always been there for me when I needed someone. If it weren't for you, I'd have probably ended up dead in a ditch somewhere when I moved out of my parents' place. Because of you, I learned so much about gay life, and gay slang and terminology. To me, you were the shining example of a gay man willing to live his life out and proud. Knowing you is what finally made me realize that I was fully homosexual and gave me the courage to come out in my own life. You were always there to give me advice when I needed it, or comfort me when I was sad, or nurse me back to health when I saw sick (even if it was just to give me a tylenol). I made friends through you that I wouldn't have otherwise because my introvert hermit ass didn't know how to. We've shared so many good times together and made so many warm and happy memories that I will cherish forever. You've been such a huge and important part of my life that I honestly couldn't imagine it without you. And I don't want to.
You don't really have to respond to this letter. And most of the stuff I've posed to you, you already answered in your previous letter. I just wanted to you to know my thoughts when it comes to you.
I know you have a long road of therapy and self-work ahead of you to overcome your demons, but I have faith in you. And even though you'll probably isolate yourself for the entire time, I would wait for you forever, if necessary. I will never give up on you, and I will love you for as long as I live and beyond.
--Alvin
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