My letter to Alvin

Dear Imzadi...

I know you think of me as a silly man for still associating you with that title.. To be honest.. Since you where the only one that knew its meaning.. I felt you gave that name power and therefore it was important to me.
My counselor suggested i write letters to the people whom ive wronged. I already sent letters to bob and Jerry.. You where the last because I wanted to take my time and choose my words wisely.
I wanted to start off by saying thank you for everything. Your patience, your generosity, and in parts your love, even though i was a fool with it. My c I counselor said in my letters i have to admit a painful truth. To jerry, i admitted and ask the question, why are we friends?, with bob, i admitted to taking advantage of our friendship, to you.. I resented you. I resented tor years that you never picked me. And then when you decided to walk the path of a man no longer tied to the desire for sex and relationships.. You made it look so easy.. Even though now i realize how stupid and  childish i was. Whenever you responded with "poor baby..." it always struck a cord with me. With my mental state as is was.. It felt like you where pitting me, like i was some idiotic loaf to be pat on the head.
I know im being rediculous. I'll admit it. I turned away from you because i still held a glimore of hope that you would rescue me from my pain. It wasn't your job and I was foolish to dream. Your position Changing this summer helpped.. Since i couldn't crash at your house anymore.. I've had to become more self sufficient. It also helpped me come to terms with some inner demons. I've come to realize that im afraid to be happy. That if i allow myself any pure joy, disaster and disappointment will be the end result. So i gave myself over to the pain.. Its what i was use to most of my life. Bob said i was a victim and always acting like one.. I'll admit it.. I was. The hard part moving forward is i don't know if ill ever believe you three will ever see me as anything else which is why i thought the best thing for me to do is fade away from your lives. Over the past 3 years or so have i really added anything good into your life? Im not looking for pity or poor babys... Id like a striaght answer. You know who i am.. Or at least who i use to be..
I've been thinking for the longest time about what amd whom makes me happy.. I can't think of a single person or thing.. I just feel that all i am is an arkward piece in your puzzle and that im better off being away from you all. Even tony and my mates.. I've grown a bit this summer and a few days ago, i had a mental setback but im better. A part of me wants to see you for your birthday.. But a bigger part of me isn't strong enough yet to be around jerry or bob.. I just don't know if i ever will.. Jerry for the lack of chemistry we have and bob painting me as a something wrong.
I just wanted to thank you for the good memories and that im sorry if ive been a dick to you.

Thank you.. Alvin Scully

Imzadi..

David Pierre-Louis