I have a late lunch or possibly dinner meet up with David Suarez Monday afternoon.. I can't call it a date casue that's not what it feels like to me.. We're meeting as friends...or at least that's what I'm telling myself.. A thought came to me this morning which I feel really rings true..
I'm a possibility person when it comes to meeting people. I can't see the bad in people unless they truly do something I'm not really not comfortable with or puts myself in danger.. As much as I feel I know David S and I may not have in common.. I can't let go of him being a possible partner.. That I can care for and about him. I can do that with anyone given the moment.. Jesus I can see myself dating or becoming romantically involved with anyone. My need to give comfort and love and receiving it has no real prejudice.. As it really needs to have some.
The more I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need love or companionship in my own life.. The more I seem to want it. And it seems now I'm willing to open myself up to any and or all whom may give it to me.. How rediculous. But its an Intresting self realization. I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep myself from doing or saying anything that would open myself up for being put in a position I don't want to be in. This guy is not my type at all..
Languge barrier, knows nothing of gaming, total Disney freak, high maintenance profile, maybe just a little too effeminate, conversations die way too fast, he fell in love with me possibly way too fast.. Which is a big red flag for me..not 100 percent self sufficient living with mom and sister..
Of course Rene, I'm not giving him much of a chance.. And I haven't told anyone about this yet.
Jesus christ.. I'm afraid to let go what I've gained.. Myself.. I've had the choice over the last few years to really care about myself and choose whom to stop caring for.. I've been able to walk way from people and situations and choose to help whom I can when I can.. Not when they demand or expect it..
It's been 2 long hard struggling years to get this point. And as much as I wish, beg, and pleaed with God's to bring someone back into my life whom could be my partner.. I fear it.. I fear the "I" becoming "We".. "My" responsibility becoming "our" responsibility... I don't want that.
What should I do Rene?
