dear Rene

when I was 19 and attempted to take my own life, my mother did not understand nor did she have the ability to now that I look back on it. . All she could think to say to the doctor was, how hard she worked and how she sacrificed everything to put me and my brother through school and how she didn't understand why I'd put her through this. She never was able to understand as much as I tried to explain things to her. I wanted comfort and someone to tell me it would be ok. that I was worth more then the water and salt in my body. Strangers in the form of school teachers, Class mates, and others I barely knew gave me words of kindness and encouragement that my mother wasn't able to give me. I now now why...Because she wasn't able to. In her upbringing and the time period she probably never dealt with teenage depression and all the other

Dear Rene, A day of happiness

So, Yesterday I went out early in the morning and caught up on a Movie at the mall..Sat in a comfortable seat and watched Jurassic World. it was awesome. Then I went home and cooked a really great dinner for my mates and I. took a lot out of me, but I did it. I had a good day. And it felt good. jesus, I can actually let myself be happy for moments at a time. it's not all perfect I realize that, but I was happy and it was of my own making. I'm not cured yet..far from it. But I'm making small steps towards progress...The one thing that still giving me anxiety is Bob. Knowing one day, I will have to see him and hear is voice . Him and Jerry...
But I'm not going to dwell on that now. Just focus on whats in front of me and what I can control now at this very moment. 

Dear Rene, learning my self worth

Just realizing that all my self hatred and bitterness and physical need for companionship wasn't healthy. And that being around other couples and seeing them show affection around me doesn't diminish who I am and isn't a negative reflection who I am as a person

Dear Rene, My most happiest moment

Hey Rene,
My goal today is to look back into my past to see when was I my most happiest? To take a look at what it was, how i felt, and see if I can recreate that moment, As a way of trying to rediscover myself. Im not just sure, how to form this. Should I do it as a list? or write out paragh length examples?

Maybe start off as a list of things that brought me the most joy when first discovering them and then go on and write about each example.

First thing that came to mind

Magic: The Gathering
Mass Effect 3
Listening to Music, Techno and Dance
Being Around David Hurwich
Singing in my car late at night driving around
Being kissed and held
lounging in bed for hours
Seeing the last bits of Sun Set

Magic the Gathering was a late part in my college life. I got introduced to it from a college friend named Savin Gupta. Great guy, charismatic as a fox's. But I got taught the basics and played with whomever wanted to play a game. I was always nervous; like I was going to mess up some way and look stupid and be called out as a noob. But I enjoyed my friday nights at Wizards of the Coast in the mall..I felt like I was a part of something.

Listening to Music: Techno and Dance.
I remember back in Highschool, I would walk home from school and go up to my room and put on a CD into my boom box and listen to the whole CD. it started with Ace of Base The Sign and Ru Paul's Album Snap Shot.or Party Train.

Dear Rene, I'm feed up!

I'm here for You
I'll be there for you..
hey hey how's it gong?
How's your night going Dave?
Hugs


They sound like they care, don't they? but they do care, just not the way  i desire.

Something got me upset today Rene, a few of my coworkers where updating me on more lastest inter office gossip. One of our coworkers is supposedly having an affair with the head pharmacists. There both married. The coworker in question is this 5 feet baby faced white girl whom is married to a 6'3 tall blond haired blue eyed gorgeous guy. Our pharmacist isn't a bad guy..he's bout 5 feet, roughed bead, sexy voice and he's very athletic..man, I'd jump him in a second. he's married with 2 kids..then they spoke about our recently dismissed head nurse supervisor and that one of our psych techs, "Joe B" may have been having sex with her because of how over the past few months, he's been calling out and not finishing his shifts over and over again, where anyone else it would be grounds for immediate termination, but he's still here. The thought of him hooking up with her..just floored me, cause I could so see it. he's hot, great body, his personality makes you want to either punch him or fuck him or both..and i want him. sad I know. We all joked about it, but it bothered me. it's stupid, but made me wish i was having some ind of affair. Then it just reminded me of how lonely I was. That's what made me mad and angry.

I'm alone and I can't stand it. it's like I'm wearing a very itchy wool sweater. I had some outgoing plans for the weekend but they've been thrashed by me wanting to be the hero once again. I gave tony 80 buck in hope that his passport for Canada will come through before there trip at the end of the month. I did it because I care, and I want to see him happy.