Dear Rene.. Rebuilding

So, I went to the gym last night and had a great workout.. I pushed myself and increased my weight.. I felt like I succeeded. I felt motivated last night because of the possible trip I'm taking next Saturday with Bob.

CT cruisers is happening on April 6th and bob asked if i had any interest in going.. I said sure. It could be fun. Plus getting a chance to experience some sexual release might be good.. Even though i don't feel anything really, but it might spark something..

It's usually filled with guys whom are as lost and desperate as i sometimes feel so it could work out. So i want to look and feel good for that night. I may break out my kilt..

Im excited, it's something to look forward to. Like the Sister Act trip weekend before. I'm enjoying this.. Planing stuff and going out. I think im more excited the fact that I'm going out with someone.

Jesus, i sound like a sod.

Dear Rene, heartless

Dear Rene, I've decided that my goal for today is to be heartless, detached from the sources that cause me grief. I'm not going to care.
Last night i got a huge reminder why I don't need a relationship.

Abuse, afraid of being alone, stupidity. Spoke to a friend last night for an hour.. He usually only messages me when he needs something.. Story of my life. Told me he's been depressed and him and his boyfriend broke up twice and reconciled. His name is Ish.. And his boyfriend name is Ephraim. Long story short.. Ephraim, in my opinion is not a good thing for ish.. But Ish doesn't want to be alone.. So he puts up with it and feels sorry for the kid. Oh Ish is in his 40s now while this kid is 32..so therefore kid. He has a shitty family, 2 felonys, stole and crashed Ish car, and Ish doesn't trust him. Yet.. He claims to love him. Ephraim punched him in the mouth.. And drew blood.. Yet, he still loves him. And is giving him one more chance cause he says he's the only real family he has..

Ish is an idiot.. But i can understand not being able to let go.. Still.. Its a reminder for me why i shouldn't be attached in the first place. That fear of loosing someone.. It outweighs the sadness of being alone.

Whenever I have a thought today, I'm going to remind myself that, it's ok and I'm going to be ok.. And that I don't need the pain of a relationship. That's what I'll do today.

Dear Rene

Hey Rene, i figured since I'm waiting for my dinner to finish cooking.. I take some time to write to you. Im sitting here in the kitchen while everyone else is piled up in Bryant's and Toby's room.. I always feel like three is a crowd when I'm in there. Can't really figure out why i feel so uncomfortable sometimes when there are so many people in the room... Today I wasn't trapped with my thoughts too much!! I kept myself busy with thinking about and preparing food. I even called and spoke to Jerry for a bit  he did very well keeping conversations relavent to current topics.

Tomorrow tony and i go see sister act in bridgeport.. Im lookin forward to it.. Something different I keep telling myself. That this is a good thing and branching out is w good thing.

Dear Rene, trying my best.

Dear Rene, i fucked up and accidentally erased my letter so im going to do my best to rewrite it.

I had a depressive episode the night before last. I was angry at myself because i felt everyone around had a better life then mine. Everyone else had a partner whom matched them well.. While im here too afraid to get myself involved with anyone. Cause I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I was angry at tony.. Telling myself he had no right to be sad about it.
I was made cause all these guys on social media whom i follow are so desired and wanted. Some have partners already and I'm here feeling like a deformed monster and that the only person whom shown interest in me is a guy i don't find appealing and another whom i feel i have nothing in common with at all..

Rene, i feel dead inside.. I think I've burned myself out. I just don't care anymore. Sex and desire is totally gone. I can cruise till the sun goes down and still can't feel anything.