Dear Rene, my job

Rene, Why is my job the only thing that keeps me going?

I'm like Marry Poppins here, I smile, I do my little dance, and I live off the pries's of my patients  I go out of my way to make sure they feel special and maybe that's my mistake. I go out of my way to make sure the needs that I can and allowed to do to help them through the day are meet with a "as if my life depended upon it" attitude.
I'm turning into a people pleases-er again.I should have been a flight attendant.

All I want to do is go home and just stay in bed till Tuesday.

Dear Rene, feeling weak

I'm feeling weak, Rene..

I just have one more shift til i'm off the weekend. My goal is just is just stay inside and play games all weekend. I'm angry at everyone!!! I'm just angry!!!! I'll check out the gym in the morning but then spend the rest of the day inside, alone. I'm just angry!!! I'm in pain and just wished I could be gone. Everyone else is comfortable, Everyone else is happy.. has someone.

I just found out that a coworkers is getting married to his boytoy.  my coworker is in his last 50's with a bad hip, marrying a 20 something x-marine bearish looking guy.
I know a lot of people would look at this as, hell, he a 55 year old Jewish man with a bad hip, can find love ..why can't I?

why can't I ?
because I don't feel attractive,
because I have nothing to offer anyone accept my love, devotion, and time...but they'd rather have a big dicked, top, with Money to burn.

my coworker..who knows...

i can't really compare..there just the lucky ones..i'm far from any kind of luck.

Dear Rene

I don't know why i'm so afraid to pick up the violin? I'm so scared of trying and putting in the effort. it's always in my mind, but I choose time and time again not to take it out of the closet. I have no drive.

why did I want to learn of the play the violin in the first place?

Since I was a kid, I thought the violin was a beautiful instrument. I can't remember or recall the actual day it was when I first saw and listened to a violin..maybe it was church? Maybe during a christmas eve service?  But as the years passed by, I wanted to learn, but, I wanted it to be like in the movies..where I picked up something and after a few tries  you got it. I know that's stupid.
If you wanted to get better at something it takes practice. I just don't want to do it. but also...I want someone to want to hear me play..

I want to be mysterious...if that makes any sense? I want to be the guy that full of surprises, but the hole in that plan is...I'm a loner so there's no one around or close to me to be surprised; so why bother?

Dear Rene, Jealousy

I'm jealous. I got angry and jealous yesterday/ i was angry that bryant got him and tony tickets to go see Sam Smith in concert, but Bryant invited a friend along to celibate her birthday as well. I was angry that it wasn't just Bryant and Tony. This, I felt was suppose to be special . Not only a birthday present to tony, but also a date night and sharing something special between them. But Bryant invites some girl along because it's her birthday as well..that bothered me. The jealousy came into play when i was awoken around 5 am needing to use the bathroom, and as I was heading towards the bathroom, there bedroom door was wide open and they where both awake. I heard the sounds of video games playing and they where both commenting on something n the game. I assumed they where gaming together and it just made me feel sorry for myself. At that moment I wished I had someone to be up at 5 a.m. playing video games with. I was jealous...I still am. AeeJayy was home yesterday and spent her entire day upstairs in her room. When Edwin came home, he stayed in his room. I also stayed in my room. I've come to realize that Bryant and Tony are the center pieces of the household. Without them, none of us would really be comfortable with the other. That unversed me.

This afternoon before leaving for work, I passed by the guest room and saw both of them at here computers..His and His computers...Seeing there togetherness just made me mad...mad at myself. I just felt ugly and unwanted. 

I keep telling myself I don't want or need anyone in my life romantically, that I don't want the stress, the pain, the responsibility, the limit's it set on me. That all that pain of heart break and being disappointed outweighs the desire for someone to hold at night and tell me they love and or need me. 

The Desire to be held, watch a movie together, laugh at the same thing, just being in the same presence...is it worth it? 

I keep telling myself I don't need it or want it. I keep telling myself I don't deserve that kind of happiness, that there are other forms and happiness and pleasure that I can have and deserve. That i'm worthy of something greater then just being with someone. That i'm still working on myself and that I'm still growing and learning what makes me happy. that no one will love me for me. No one will love me because i'm sick, because i'm deformed, because i'm not smart or worldly, or even well verse in geek culture. That i'm now a relic and was out of touch even in my youth. 

All I have left is my job. I've shut the door on everyone and I'm too proud to try and open myself up to any possibility of being or finding someone to love me. 

 I think I might really kill myself. Set a date, prepare as much as I can..and just do it. I think I'll wait til I'm out of the house, when they've all moved away and when I know tony is at peace. I'll slowly fade away and kill myself. I think , by the time of my 40th birthday. I'll do it. 

I want to do it because I just don't see the point to life anymore. All I have left is my job and my "on the surface " acting coworkers.

I will make my plans for when i'm 40. I just don't see anything working out. i'm not sad about it, I don't think i'm that depressed, but I see death as the only solution.

here are the facts:

I'm 37, living paycheck to paycheck. I no longer have friends I trust, I'm single, I'm black, I'm fat, I have scars on my face and body, I have a micro penis and i'm HIV+, my teeth are messed up, my hairline is messed up. I have a big heart but that just leads me to getting taken advantage off, Im not attractive, so what is the point of me living? I'm filled with pain and hopelessness, constantly beiing reminded by seeing my ex with someone else making it work with someone else.

Rene, I just don't know what else to say. like I said, I don't plan on taking my own life till i reach age 40. let me work on getting my affairs in order. Let me get out of debt, let me see tony off and mends what friendships I have left. my last act will be to say goodbye.

I can't look past my failures. so, what should i do with my last few years of life here on this planet? 4 years 6 months, and a few days.

I love you Rene.

Dear Rene

It's been a while.. I'm alive. I'm breathing. I've been working alot and trying to keep my head on striaght and my emotions intact. I've been learning what is means to be alone. Some of my lessons have brought me peace and others despair.
I just got my paycheck and I want to burn it away. Like I want to buy things that will give me pleasure.. Like the faster I spend it on pleasure then the things that give m pain can't take it away from mr..like Bills and debt. I Know it sounds stupid. I was broke 2 days ago just prying that the 20 bucks I put into my gas tank would last me till pay day.. It has and I'm thankful. I out off buying my AC because I have bills to pay off first, a ticket to mail off, and have to make sure my account doesn't go into negative again. I'm trying to to be responsible.. But I can't stop this itching desire that I want to spend money on something that will make me happy. The phrase =psy yourself first= comes to mind. I thought buying food for myself was enough but there's a book i want that will cost me 12 bucks to buy and I keep telling myself I want it and that I'd like to buy it.. But I Know I'll never read it. I just want it to want it.
So I did it.. I ordered these two novels that I wanted. Cost me $27. 00. I'll live with it. I belive it will make me happy and besides.. One more double shifts and I'll make up the 27 bucks. I feel better about spending 27 dollar then dropping $300 right  know on a AC that I won't be able to really use till next weekend anyway.
Thanks for listen

I love you, Imzadi

Dave