Dear Rene, I'm actually doing well.

my dearest Rene, it's been a while. lol 

I'm actually doing well. I've been feeling at peace at time, despite the usual work drama. Tony and Bryant have been away on vacation for the past three weeks, this being the last of the three weeks. They return on Sunday I believe. Things have been very very quiet at the house since they've been gone. It's going to feel wired having them back. 

I'm doing okay. I haven't been sad or depressed, nor have I been getting too angry at myself. Well sometimes angry, but I've been dealing with it quite well. Eric has helped a lot. Along with spending quality time with Alvin, Jerry, and even Tabitha. I haven't made any trips to Boston or Providence like I planned, but I've gone to Pride, which was meh, I've been Working out more, which at the moment, my body is aching. I've been learning to enjoy my alone time more and doing my best not to focus on the things I don't have. It hasn't been easy, but it's getting easier to deal with. 

End of this month will mark 10 months I've been smoke free...there are still moments were I think about it and miss it. telling myself, I could just sneak one. No one is around to really judge me, I'm a grown as man I can do what I want..stupid shit like that. But then I keep thinking about the gym and how my lung complicity would suffer..Then, I'd remember the countless nights, I'd waking up coughing over and over trying to clear my lungs. it's not worth it. plus I can burn 10 or more dollars every other week on other things that wont kill me. so then the desire fades. 

I love Eric. He's a great guy, he's patient with me and he comforts me so much. I don't feel so alone when were together. I have noticed my desires for other have been getting stronger the longer I keep looking at Instagram and all the guys I'm attracted to. But I know those are fantasy's and not my reality. We've had some issues involving me giving too much of myself to others, and he expressed his dislike of me making myself too available to tony. I promised i'd do better and I feel as if I have. 

He knows that I'll put him first now above anyone else..well myself first, then him. He really wants me to focus on myself first and really explore myself. I'm blessed to have him in my life. he brings me peace! 

So, there's a lot more to update you on, but I've got to run for now..finishing up a double shift.

I love you and I'll write to you again. 

love, 

David. 

Dear Rene.. Why I'm afraid of possibilities!

I have a late lunch or possibly dinner meet up with David Suarez Monday afternoon.. I can't call it a date casue that's not what it feels like to me.. We're meeting as friends...or at least that's what I'm telling myself.. A thought came to me this morning which I feel really rings true..

I'm a possibility person when it comes to meeting people. I can't see the bad in people unless they truly do something I'm not really not comfortable with or puts myself in danger.. As much as I feel I know David S and I may not have in common.. I can't let go of him being a possible partner.. That I can care for and about him. I can do that with anyone given the moment.. Jesus I can see myself dating or becoming romantically involved with anyone. My need to give comfort and love and receiving it has no real prejudice.. As it really needs to have some.

The more I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need love or companionship in my own life.. The more I seem to want it. And it seems now I'm willing to open myself up to any and or all whom may give it to me.. How rediculous. But its an Intresting self realization. I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep myself from doing or saying anything that would open myself up for being put in a position I don't want to be in.  This guy is not my type at all..
Languge barrier, knows nothing of gaming, total Disney freak, high maintenance profile, maybe just a little too effeminate, conversations die way too fast, he fell in love with me possibly way too fast.. Which is a big red flag for me..not 100 percent self sufficient living with mom and sister..

Of course Rene, I'm not giving him much of a chance.. And I haven't told anyone about this yet.

Jesus christ.. I'm afraid to let go what I've gained.. Myself.. I've had the choice over the last few years to really care about myself and choose whom to stop caring for.. I've been able to walk way from people and situations and choose to help whom I can when I can.. Not when they demand or expect it..

It's been 2 long hard struggling years to get this point. And as much as I wish, beg, and pleaed with God's to bring someone back into my life whom could be my partner.. I fear it.. I fear the "I" becoming  "We".. "My" responsibility becoming "our" responsibility... I don't want that.

What should I do Rene?

Dear Rene.. Rebuilding

So, I went to the gym last night and had a great workout.. I pushed myself and increased my weight.. I felt like I succeeded. I felt motivated last night because of the possible trip I'm taking next Saturday with Bob.

CT cruisers is happening on April 6th and bob asked if i had any interest in going.. I said sure. It could be fun. Plus getting a chance to experience some sexual release might be good.. Even though i don't feel anything really, but it might spark something..

It's usually filled with guys whom are as lost and desperate as i sometimes feel so it could work out. So i want to look and feel good for that night. I may break out my kilt..

Im excited, it's something to look forward to. Like the Sister Act trip weekend before. I'm enjoying this.. Planing stuff and going out. I think im more excited the fact that I'm going out with someone.

Jesus, i sound like a sod.

Dear Rene, heartless

Dear Rene, I've decided that my goal for today is to be heartless, detached from the sources that cause me grief. I'm not going to care.
Last night i got a huge reminder why I don't need a relationship.

Abuse, afraid of being alone, stupidity. Spoke to a friend last night for an hour.. He usually only messages me when he needs something.. Story of my life. Told me he's been depressed and him and his boyfriend broke up twice and reconciled. His name is Ish.. And his boyfriend name is Ephraim. Long story short.. Ephraim, in my opinion is not a good thing for ish.. But Ish doesn't want to be alone.. So he puts up with it and feels sorry for the kid. Oh Ish is in his 40s now while this kid is 32..so therefore kid. He has a shitty family, 2 felonys, stole and crashed Ish car, and Ish doesn't trust him. Yet.. He claims to love him. Ephraim punched him in the mouth.. And drew blood.. Yet, he still loves him. And is giving him one more chance cause he says he's the only real family he has..

Ish is an idiot.. But i can understand not being able to let go.. Still.. Its a reminder for me why i shouldn't be attached in the first place. That fear of loosing someone.. It outweighs the sadness of being alone.

Whenever I have a thought today, I'm going to remind myself that, it's ok and I'm going to be ok.. And that I don't need the pain of a relationship. That's what I'll do today.

Dear Rene

Hey Rene, i figured since I'm waiting for my dinner to finish cooking.. I take some time to write to you. Im sitting here in the kitchen while everyone else is piled up in Bryant's and Toby's room.. I always feel like three is a crowd when I'm in there. Can't really figure out why i feel so uncomfortable sometimes when there are so many people in the room... Today I wasn't trapped with my thoughts too much!! I kept myself busy with thinking about and preparing food. I even called and spoke to Jerry for a bit  he did very well keeping conversations relavent to current topics.

Tomorrow tony and i go see sister act in bridgeport.. Im lookin forward to it.. Something different I keep telling myself. That this is a good thing and branching out is w good thing.

Dear Rene, trying my best.

Dear Rene, i fucked up and accidentally erased my letter so im going to do my best to rewrite it.

I had a depressive episode the night before last. I was angry at myself because i felt everyone around had a better life then mine. Everyone else had a partner whom matched them well.. While im here too afraid to get myself involved with anyone. Cause I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I was angry at tony.. Telling myself he had no right to be sad about it.
I was made cause all these guys on social media whom i follow are so desired and wanted. Some have partners already and I'm here feeling like a deformed monster and that the only person whom shown interest in me is a guy i don't find appealing and another whom i feel i have nothing in common with at all..

Rene, i feel dead inside.. I think I've burned myself out. I just don't care anymore. Sex and desire is totally gone. I can cruise till the sun goes down and still can't feel anything.

Dear Rene, Self Improvement!

Dear Rene,

It's been a while since I've written to you. I'm sorry for that. I've been taking a long break from self-pity and been really working on making myself happy. I've succeeded in some areas and stumbled in others. I've gotten over the major parts of my loneliness..Im not jealous anymore of Tony and Bryant. I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I've been going to the gym on a regular bases, I've been keeping up with my hobbie of gaming more. I've been learning to enjoy my alone time more and not look at it as a self-hating pity party. Well, I'm better then I was when those feelings emerge.
Strangest thing happened though. An old acquaintance popped up on facebook a few weeks ago. A kid named David Suaez.
Long story short, He wants to be my boyfriend. He's a sweet 30 year old guy from Ecuador, Lives in Ansonia, CT and works in Bridgeport with special needs kids. He's sweet and HIV+. I'm physically attracted to him, but at this point I'm physically attracted to anyone that's in close proximity to myself.   But other then that, He's not a bear or even a cub. Not a gamer, Not a geek, Thick accent which sometimes is hard for me to decypher..plus entertaining the idea of dating him or anyone goes again my personal vows I made to stay single.
The desire is still there for companionship despite me now learning and enjoying my personal moments of solitude. He offers me that..and I'm almost tempted to take it despite my fears.

I chose to remain single because I didn't want to deal with the responsibility of caring for someone else, putting there needs before mine, having to worry or help make decisions on someone else happiness. I over-think and over-worry about the other person more then myself and it causes me to feel emotionally and mentally stressed.  I see what Tony and Bryant go through and I don't want to deal with that ever again. So Id rather be single then deal with all that.

I got fucked a few months ago and that helped me realized that I can still have sex without the attachments. I can still have those cuddle moments without having to worry about taking care of there needs way after the deeds been done.

No pain...No guilt, no caring...sounds like freedom doesn't it. So I let this kid down gently, telling him I'm not the type he's looking for. I don't want kids, my work is everything right now..he still wants to get involved with me. So, I'm playing it cool. I message him as a friend to be nice.waitting for him to wise up. I still do play with the idea and maybe love might happen despite him not meeting any of my requirements or real needs. 

I had a dream about my coworker, Joey DeVito the other night. It was intense, and it made me feel some powerful emotions. And none of them where of a pure sexual arousal. Like, I didn't wake up hard and horny...my heart was moved. Like if Joey, came up to me and asked me to kiss him, Id do it without hesitation hell, even if his wife and kid where near by.

but a guy like Joey,  is what i'm physically, mentally, and emotionally attracted to. 
this kid, I'm more attracted to the fact that he's into me. it felt so nice to have someone say that wanted me. I haven't felt that way since when I first met Alvin. But, I really don't think he's the one to get break my vows for.

All our conversations have been surface questions answered and a little more about his family and history. At first I kept telling myself that this could be good having a non-gaming boyfriend. being with someone who isn't as well verse in geek and gaming culture. Since with my other gaming friends I feel like the old man then anything else. And as stupid as this sounds, would he get along with my friends. I can see him being more a friend for Jerry Davis then any of my friends.  But I don't even hang out with a lot of my friends..

I'm kind of hoping he'll loose interest as time goes by. we tried to set up another date and those plans fell through again on the count of his car being messed up again. Im taking that as a sign that this isn't going anywhere I feel comfortable with.

yeah, I'll admit I'm lonely sometimes and it would be night to have someone I can have my own side conversations with while gaming..but I honestly believe that I won't find the mid to late 30 year old white, bearish , top, gamer, geek, that I keep dreaming of finding.

so, I have to continue on self improving and be the guy I want to be with!