Dear Rene, Jealousy

I'm jealous. I got angry and jealous yesterday/ i was angry that bryant got him and tony tickets to go see Sam Smith in concert, but Bryant invited a friend along to celibate her birthday as well. I was angry that it wasn't just Bryant and Tony. This, I felt was suppose to be special . Not only a birthday present to tony, but also a date night and sharing something special between them. But Bryant invites some girl along because it's her birthday as well..that bothered me. The jealousy came into play when i was awoken around 5 am needing to use the bathroom, and as I was heading towards the bathroom, there bedroom door was wide open and they where both awake. I heard the sounds of video games playing and they where both commenting on something n the game. I assumed they where gaming together and it just made me feel sorry for myself. At that moment I wished I had someone to be up at 5 a.m. playing video games with. I was jealous...I still am. AeeJayy was home yesterday and spent her entire day upstairs in her room. When Edwin came home, he stayed in his room. I also stayed in my room. I've come to realize that Bryant and Tony are the center pieces of the household. Without them, none of us would really be comfortable with the other. That unversed me.

This afternoon before leaving for work, I passed by the guest room and saw both of them at here computers..His and His computers...Seeing there togetherness just made me mad...mad at myself. I just felt ugly and unwanted. 

I keep telling myself I don't want or need anyone in my life romantically, that I don't want the stress, the pain, the responsibility, the limit's it set on me. That all that pain of heart break and being disappointed outweighs the desire for someone to hold at night and tell me they love and or need me. 

The Desire to be held, watch a movie together, laugh at the same thing, just being in the same presence...is it worth it? 

I keep telling myself I don't need it or want it. I keep telling myself I don't deserve that kind of happiness, that there are other forms and happiness and pleasure that I can have and deserve. That i'm worthy of something greater then just being with someone. That i'm still working on myself and that I'm still growing and learning what makes me happy. that no one will love me for me. No one will love me because i'm sick, because i'm deformed, because i'm not smart or worldly, or even well verse in geek culture. That i'm now a relic and was out of touch even in my youth. 

All I have left is my job. I've shut the door on everyone and I'm too proud to try and open myself up to any possibility of being or finding someone to love me. 

 I think I might really kill myself. Set a date, prepare as much as I can..and just do it. I think I'll wait til I'm out of the house, when they've all moved away and when I know tony is at peace. I'll slowly fade away and kill myself. I think , by the time of my 40th birthday. I'll do it. 

I want to do it because I just don't see the point to life anymore. All I have left is my job and my "on the surface " acting coworkers.

I will make my plans for when i'm 40. I just don't see anything working out. i'm not sad about it, I don't think i'm that depressed, but I see death as the only solution.

here are the facts:

I'm 37, living paycheck to paycheck. I no longer have friends I trust, I'm single, I'm black, I'm fat, I have scars on my face and body, I have a micro penis and i'm HIV+, my teeth are messed up, my hairline is messed up. I have a big heart but that just leads me to getting taken advantage off, Im not attractive, so what is the point of me living? I'm filled with pain and hopelessness, constantly beiing reminded by seeing my ex with someone else making it work with someone else.

Rene, I just don't know what else to say. like I said, I don't plan on taking my own life till i reach age 40. let me work on getting my affairs in order. Let me get out of debt, let me see tony off and mends what friendships I have left. my last act will be to say goodbye.

I can't look past my failures. so, what should i do with my last few years of life here on this planet? 4 years 6 months, and a few days.

I love you Rene.