Dear Bob, im sending you this message because right now;im not very good at speaking. I wish to say that i am sorry. You feel that ive treated you terribly and according to Alvin, I've hurt you terribly. I am truly sorry. You have been a long time friend to me, whom helpped me out on numerous situations and if I've come off as ungrateful; I'm truly sorry. I know your trying to be a friend to me , and you've sacrificed alot to help me. I thank you bob. I thank you for your kindness and your lasting paitents with me. Reminded me the other morning about not missing payments with you and i reacted horribly. You reminded me of my past faults and it upset me. So i lashed out. A few months ago, you spoke to me about people taking advantage of you and how you believe i am one of them. I was, i took advantage of our friendship in the matter of you giving me time to pay you back in installment. Then my living situation Changed drastically and i had to take what money i was getting and put towards that. Please believe me, if you have any faith in my words that i am going to return the money i owe you. When you get a free chance.. I would like you to send me a text message with the total amount that i owe you up to this point. So i may start keeping track of it as well.
Bob, im going to be very open with you. I think i know what your response will be, because your response never really changes form all the years we've known each other. when we speak, i constantly feel that your not understanding. You listen, but you don't understand i how feel. Im not trying to upset you in anyway and im not blaming you or anyone. But i feel you lack the ability to understand when someone tells or expreses how they feel. You've grown over the years and you've become better aware of your choice of words and actions, but you still tend to turn a conversation or a problem of someone elses onto yourself. When last we spoke and i was expressing my discomfort of the subject.. Granted now i can't even remember now what the subject was.. You showed no empathy and continued to express how horribly you've been treated by those whom you've tried to help. It felt one sided. I couldn't take it cause i felt i couldn't get a word in and i almost crashed.. So i exploded. And that emotional outburst.. Caused me to fall into a great depression. Its not your fault.. Im not blaming you at all.. I just wasn't strong at that moment. I considered taking my life again. I convinced myself that i was not worth thw aggravation i was putting not just you but alvin amd jerry through. I decided at that moment to cut off communication with you three. Because i believed other then the fact that i owe you a great deal of money, i did nothing to enrich your lives. Ive spent the past two months working on myself. And i tell you this in truth. Just because I cut my self off from you three doesn't mean i choose another group of people to bond with. I've closed myself off from Tony and the rest of the roomates aswell. I truly needed and still do, to be alone and truly focus on myself. You wished that the old David would come back, i felt insulted by that request because from my perspective, the old David was a retarted hopeless fantasier. He wanted someone to love and take care of him and please all whom he met. After getting disappointed.. I realized that i needed to grow up. But i couldn't do it while listening to you repeat yourself about the same problems you where facing or for you to constantly give me a warning statement that .. "not to go into therapy" or "if this is upsetting you will change the topic" or "not to bring up tony" or "not to bring up this or that" or Jerry giving me tips after tips on things i had no plans on doing.. Or listening to him tell me more about his at the time boyfriend while i was still working on getting over mine. And Alvin's pitty.
Im not angry or bitter so please don't think my tone is in anger or malice. I needed and still need to figure myself out. Why as i discovered today, while im afraid of being happy. Im actually terrified of being happy. I need to figure out the answer and even more frightening.. Face and embrace the ways to change that. You tried sharing some advice with me a while ago.. I erased it.. Not even reading it because at the time.. Seeing your name brought on such aniexity i couldn't function the rest of the day. As you can see from my texting you with brief messages every Friday.. I've gotten better..
I know your angry with me and you have every right to be. You deserve better.. All three of you do. Ill never be the person I was.. For right now i can't be around any of you because of the raw emotions im still dealing with. I have a counselor at my job im working with to get better. If ever the times comes that we may meet face to face.. Perhap just focusing on the moment and not the past would be best. I plan on writing apologiy letters to jerry and alvin as well.. But i know you had to be the first.
Thank you, Robert Evens for putting up with me for all these years. Please give me a current total of how much i owe you.
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