Hello Jerry, im writing you this letter because im not good at speaking. The reason for my absence was i was and still am working on myself mentally. A few months ago, bob caught me at a vulnerable moment and I lashed out at him. It left me emotionally crippled and I considered taking my life. I haven't been the same since that night. I felt he wasn't understanding my feelings and the fault was mine.. I wasnt hearing what he was saying. But maybe we where both at fault..
Well my letter is to address you and i, my apologies. Im sorry Jerry. I was envious of you and Luis. Seeing you both together, as happy as I was for you two and the challenges you've both where overcoming to building your future.. It made me view myself as a failure. I know I'm not a failure... Now.. But at the time i felt lost and repulsive of who i was. After my emotional breakdown, i spent and am spending a great deal of time self reflecting.. Along with the help of a counselor ive been making great breakthroughs. I've choosen to be single for the rest of my life.. And at first it was a self-imposed exile for my failures.. But now.. I see it as a blessing. It's giving me time to realize my big problem.. Im afraid of being happy.
Im working on figuring it out.. But the reason im sending you this letter.
Im just wondering, beside Banana Republic all those years ago.. Why are you friends with me? Im not looking for pity or any simple just because.. I want to know why are we friends. From my point of view, you've been a far better and patient friend then i.. But think about it.. What do we have in common.. And other then venting about people who get on our nerves... What else do we have in common?
Im. Not saying i regret meeting you and there are past memories that do make me smile and weep for the simpler days when you and i where closer.. But why are we? I truly cant think of anything.. I've spent these past few months on my own and not associating with anyone trying to figure out what makes me the person i am. I have a feeling you, bob, and Alvin think ive cut you off for others.. At least im guessing thats what bob may believe.. I speak the truth that i haven't.. I don't trust anyone anymore. First time I've admit it. I use to believe that after my suicide attempt you three looked at me aa somw broken thing. I was broken. I was angry, shameful, and broken.. Bob reminded me with every conversation of my debt to him, me struggling to be on my own, you telling me if i dont pay you back immediately id be facing legal action, how fall I've fallen and how much of a broken man i was. Then when my mother died and that last minute expanse.. I felt beyond shattered.
Did i ever thank you for helping me.. If i haven't.. Accept my deepest apologies and thank you.. Many times thank you. Im just not the same person anymore. When you met me.. I was naive and didn't know my ass from my elbow. I don't know what's going to happen moving forward.. You wantend to understand.. Im hoping this helped.
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